Unkissed, Four-Eyed Fourth Grader Keeps Eye on the Prize Through Broken Eyeglasses

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Tim Richards, a 4th grade boy and verbal and physical punching bag at Pickermore Elementary School, had his glasses broken (for the third time this month) during 5th period yesterday.  Richards, more commonly referred to as four eyes, freakand Timmy-pee-pee-pants, has found himself on the bad side of a bully-nerd relationship. The name calling and bullying has severely complicated Richardspursuit of his first kiss.


Not only has his love life been complicated, but his home life has now spiraled out of control as he is unwilling to admit to his parents the cause of the the damage, not wanting to worry them. His mother now regards his chronically broken glasses as a sign of his irresponsibility or a pathetic cry for attention, an accusation that Mrs. Richards has not hid from him. The allegations levied by Mrs. Richards have damaged his self-esteem but have not broken him at this crucial point of his first sexual awakening. Richards remains undeterred and holds out hope that hell receive his first kiss by the time summer lets out.

The most recent incident occurred on Tuesday around 2:42 PM on Pickermore Elementary Schools blacktop. Richards caused a scene after being pushed to the ground and splitting his glasses in half. Richards then preceded to squint his eyes and paw around on all fours for his glasses, a scene that inspired more Awwsof sympathy in the growing crowd than laughter, although there was a healthy amount of each. Richards held up the broken glasses to his face, realized they were shattered and let out a meek, “Ahhh not again,” unknowingly adding some comedic relief to the situation. Richardsgirlfriend, 5th grader Tanya Ringmore, then stood over Richards and warned him that if he didnt keep his hands to himself, his first kiss would be his last. Richards now hopes to switch to contacts in hopes that may persuade Tanya into giving him that elusive first smooch.