ALIENS EXIST! But They Aren’t Worth Our Time

Whats in this story


Humans don’t know much about them, but boy, do we want to. In reality though, we’re probably better off without them…

This idea is, of course, contrary to the prevailing arguments that if there are intelligent lifeforms out there, we surely must meet them. But if you give me just a moment of your time, this logical proof will show you once and for all that one of two scenarios is true: Either aliens are being dicks to us, or we should probably be dicks to them.

If aliens have the necessary technology and haven’t reached out, then it’s safe to assume that they think they’re better than us. And if the opposite is true and they don’t have the capabilities to visit us…well, then we can deduce that we’re better than them and they’re not worth our time.

In Premise 1, aliens have ray guns and intergalactic ships that can travel at light speed. They’re thousands of years ahead of us and can hop across galaxies in their fancy ships like a flea jumping on a dog’s back. Why haven’t they contacted us? Not even a “hello”? Maybe their bug eyed, green, bulb-shaped heads have gotten a little too big and bug-eyed for their ill-formed bodies. They think they’re better than us? Humans want to be wanted. In all likelihood, aliens are aware of this and they’re completely disregarding it. To be frank, they’re being dicks.

In Premise 2, aliens have primitive technology on par, or worse than what we’re working with on Earth. That just doesn’t sound like the kind of thing to get excited about. Isn’t life all about surrounding yourself with people better than you? You want to learn from a mentor more skilled than yourself. You wanting to be dating up. You don’t want to be hanging out with aliens that haven’t even gotten to the fucking Bronze Age yet. The very fact that they haven’t contacted us makes meeting the dummies undesirable. Sorry primitive aliens, but you guys aren’t worth our time. Earth is for winners. Have fun trying to figure out electricity.

Conclusion: Aliens are dicks and if they’re not, then we should start being the dicks to them. Either way you cut it, it just doesn’t seem like aliens are the sort we want to be associated with.