At first they were whispers, the words hardly spoken. For that damn liberal media had denied the people their seasonal greeting. People lived in fear, an invisible war. Only the brave had the guts to shout. “Boycott Starbucks! We Want Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays, No More!” Happy Holidays be damned. A labor camp of alliteration. Slaves to political correctness. The War on Christmas waged on.
And then he came! A hero in orange. A liberator of the people! Enemies in the War on Christmas called him a Grinch, a Scrooge. But a hero, he was! His followers chanted, “Lock her up! Lock her up!” for crimes committed in this Christmas battle. A Russian stocking stuffer. A cyber attack. Hillary Clinton had been defeated and the villains of Christmas vanquished. Huzzah!
Donald Trump reveled in celebration. On Christmas Eve, he curled up in his robe and sipped his diet coke. He typed, typed, typed his little fingers away by the warmth of the Oval Office TV. “People are proud to be saying Merry Christmas again. I am proud to have led the charge against the assault of our cherished and beautiful phrase. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!” he tweeted proudly. We aren’t sure what he did, but he did it, and we’re free! Free to say Merry Christmas once more! Hooray! The people rejoiced and danced in the streets. Christmas trees shone brighter, carolers sang louder and the snow looked snowier. Jesus had started Christmas and Donald Trump had won it. A tremendously tremendous Christmas miracle, a fantastically fantastic feat! Thanks Donny T. It feels good to be free. We’ll sing your praises loudly by the Christmas tree!