WEISER, Idaho. August 22, 2017.
Some people sleep walk, and some sleep murder. For most, a nightmare, but for a few sick individuals – a dream. That’s the grisly situation one small town in Idaho faces after a sleep murdering epidemic has engulfed the town in a hellish frenzy, townsfolk waking each morning to find their population has dwindled.
Although it starts off as sleep-walking, it quickly turns to sleep-running, then to sleep-rummaging-through-kitchenette-sets, leading to a sleep-jerky-stabbing-motion. One then wakes up with a blaring ringing sound in the ears, staring at their blood soaked hands, coming to grip with what they’ve just done. (Besides that though, the town is doing great with a resurgent historic district and an arts and music festival scheduled for later this summer.)
Nobody knows what started the epidemic, but townspeople are doing their best to take the necessary precautions – locking bedrooms, tying family members to bed posts, and some are avoiding sleep altogether. Ironically, the lack of sleep has driven some people to murder while conscious.
“If they like murder and they like sleep, they’ll definitely have a lot of time for one of those – IN PRISON” the county sheriff over-dramatically (and needlessly) shouted at a local press conference as an unconscious reporter from KTVU 5 bludgeoned another member of the press corps to death with nearby camera equipment.
Law enforcement is struggling to determine which individuals are really sleep murdering and which are faking unconsciousness to eliminate enemies in order to swing a lesser manslaughter charge.
Could it be something in the water? Or could it be the heavy doses of Ambien and bath salts the town doctor has been prescribing? It’s impossible to say, but what isn’t, is that at least life in Idaho has finally gotten interesting…