Sources close to the White House report that Mike Pence was forced to read Fire and Fury, the newly released, tell all book with unflattering descriptions of the Trump White House by senior cabinet members, to Donald Trump after he learned the book was not on audiotape. White House aides say President Trump clumsily avoided reading the book himself with a series of excuses ranging from “eye fatigue” to “fear of paper cuts”, with one source calling the incident embarrassing. “Just admit you can’t read, man,” she pleaded in exasperation.
Although Pence, known for his midwestern twang that those close to him say can turn any homophobic slur into something as pleasant as a Shakespearean sonnet, is used to lulling the president to sleep with his nightly bedside chats – Trump, uncharacteristically expressed interest in the Vice President reading him a book the other night. Pence was asked to lend his tender whisper to Michael Wolff’s novel after the president heard the book frequently mentioned his name.
Pence did his best to censor any unflattering passages and bleeped out any swears that arose through the course of the reading. Those in the room claim Pence rewarded the President with a bite of a Big Mac if he was able to successfully summarize the previous chapter. A giddy Trump clapped his hands with joy as Pence fed him the burger, at one point sauce spilling to the crease of the president’s lips. Pence, in what aides are calling a sexually charged moment, wiped the sauce from the president’s pursed lips, their eyes and hands simultaneously meeting. Sources say Pence was first to break eye contact before asking aides and senior level officials to clear the room.
Sources inside the Vice President’s office who hovered outside of the Lincoln bedroom claim that Pence, ignoring his internal desires, soldiered on and continued reading to the president. Pence then attempted to glaze over mention of the 25th amendment, which allows a president to be discharged if deemed unfit to fulfill his duties. When Trump uncharacteristically admitted his ignorance on the subject, Pence quickly improvised, telling the president that it would give him absolute and complete authoritarian power. Trump purred as he drifted off to sleep as Pence ritualistically took up his nightly position curled up alongside him.