SATURDAY
1:17 p.m. Well, this seems like a nice place to stop on my weekly Saturday afternoon walk in the park. People like dogs. And I’m a person. I also prefer sitting to standing. Let’s have a seat!
1:20 p.m. The dogs chase each other around the park. They seem to be having fun and so am I!
1:22 p.m. A group of dogs stop in front of me. S’cute. The beagle takes a shit without breaking eye contact. An elderly Asian woman runs over to pick it up.
1:23 p.m. Her dogs bark all at once. I imagine a dog-world where dogs perform standup comedy at the Bark Factory on Sunset Boulevard to a live dog audience. They tell jokes about their dumb human owners having to clean up their shit. The club barks their heads off.
1:27 p.m. I think two tabs of Acid was enough.
1:31 p.m. Two dogs copulate by the water fountain. Have they no shame?
1:34 p.m. I have to say something.
1:36 p.m. I tell the owner of the fornicating dogs to cut the shit. It’s a public place.
1:37 p.m. She claims to be a dog breeder. She tells me that she breeds Schnauzers and Poodles together to make Schnoodles. Well, that’s just adorable. Or is it? Aren’t dog breeders just sex slavers, coercing dogs into having sex for profit? If I wasn’t so high on LSD right now I’d consider a citizen’s arrest. Still, she doesn’t appear to have the normal look and feel of someone I’d associate with being in the sex trade industry. So, I give her the benefit of the doubt.
1:43 p.m. She asks me if I’m interested in a Schnoodle puppy. She’s never had a dissatisfied customer. Her Schnoodles are man’s best friend.
1:45 p.m. Wait. Dogs are abducted from their parents, sold to the highest bidder, and then love their abductor a day later? My god, it’s Stockholm Syndrome. We call dogs loyal, but how loyal can they be with a dynamic like that? Maybe dogs are actually just whores, giving away their love to whichever John throws enough cash their way.
1:46 p.m. Shit. This dog watching experience took a dark turn.
1:50 p.m. Oh, look! There’s a golden retriever puppy! Outstanding. Things were looking dicey for a second there.
1:55 p.m. I’ve been watching this golden retriever for a while now, and you know what? They’re overrated. People say, “they’re cute”. They’re not cute. They’re too fucking perfect that they’re boring. They lack character, like that deformed looking Shar Pei over there with the catheter.
1:59 p.m. Fuck. Does this say something about me? Is it a character defect that I’m pissed off looking at a universally beloved dog?…Heavy.
2:01 p.m. No, screw that. Golden Retrievers aren’t cute. They’re generic like a – like a – Katy Perry song.
2:05 p.m. Katy Perry’s songwriting process: A group of corporate fat cats meet in a boardroom. They tell Katy Perry that they’ve done focus groups and people love fireworks.
2:06 p.m. I put Katy Perry’s song, ’Firework’, onto my IPod.
2:07 p.m. Well, this is nice.
2:09 p.m. Dammit. You win corporate fat cats, this is a great fucking song. And Golden Retrievers are great fucking dogs.
2:12 p.m. This was fun! Maybe next week I’ll try DMT in the Japanese Tea Garden.
